1. SQUATS ON THE SMITH MACHINE (LIKE A BOSS)
This one used to bother me so much. It's dangerous, especially if you have no base in understanding the proper mechanics of a barbell back squat, ie. foot, hips, knee position and movement. My biggest issue is smith machines that don't move perpendicular to the ground, and instead of a straight plane against gravity, they are fixed at an angle. Even if there's a good reason for this angle, does anyone clueless enough to be doing this movement really have the smarts to figure which way they should face in relation to angle? Okay, I kid, but seriously, if you're doing these and are fairly new to the gym, stop now. I'm not going to hate on gym vets who've been doing them for years or bodybuilders doing it. Just don't tell me what your squat max is if it's a smith number. Same goes for bench press, which is another one I do NOT recommend. A big advantage of free weight movements is the bar naturally finds a pathway that is free of leveraging against your joints ie. if the bar touches too low or high on chest in bench press or if it isn't centered over the middle of foot in the squat. My friend also added he hates when trainers have people squat on the smith machine. Yeah, personally I don't like seeing anyone do anything on the smith machine (maybe shrugs?) as I don't really understand the reasoning, but there are so many things that some trainers have clients do that have such high risk for so little reward, it's not a huge pet peeve of mine to see this. Okay, I've said enough. If you want a more detailed explanation, just give "smith machine squats dangerous or not" a Google search. There are plenty of articles out there. I give this one a 9/10 if you are new to the gym and looking to start doing barbell movements. Learn them with an actual barbell. If you already have been doing these for years and your body doesn't seem to mind, I definitely recommend trying to learn the free weight variations if you haven't already, but I'll give this one a 5/10 to the experienced lifter. Still not something I'd recommend, but hey, you aren't standing on a stability ball with 225 on your back, so at least you have that going for you.2. NOT WIPING OFF SWEATY EQUIPMENT, YOU GUNCHY ANIMAL
My rule here is pretty simple. Take a look around and see how others handle this one. In a gym where everyone is wiping their equipment, follow lead. If not, I recommend just worrying about visible sweat ie head marks on benches. If you are really a big germaphope, you should consider wiping down the equipment before you use it. This one doesn't really kill me, but I definitely understand people taking issue. But if you're gross and have sweat pores like a geyser, do us all a favor and mop up after you're done soaking the place. And if you stink, just don't come to the gym at all. 7/10
3. QUARTER SQUATS (FOR INSTANT PR'S)
Yeah, they suck. They're dangerous. And you look stupid telling people your new squat max. I personally don't care what you do so much when it doesn't affect me, but for your own good, don't do these. Don't brag about them, and for the love of God, don't get your friends to tape you doing these so you can not only let everyone at the gym know but everyone on your Facebook and Instagram know how much of an idiot you look like at the gym. You don't need to bottom out, you don't even need to break parallel, but quarter squats are almost always a result of squatting solely with a knee break. It's dangerous. Put some weight in the heel, break in the hips, and squat deeper. 9/104. FILLING YOUR GALLON JUG UP AT THE WATER FOUNTAIN, YOU ASSHOLE
If in theory, you do this and don't let people who are behind you go ahead, you're terrible. I have zero issue with "jug at the gym" guy. It's practical to us people who understand how important hydration is, but fill it up before coming to the gym or make sure you don't make anyone wait more than 20 seconds while filling up. I think that's a pretty good time limit. If you break that rule and cause others to wait, I need to go ahead and give you a 10/10. The most severe acts at the gym are ones that affect the others around you.
5. NOT PUTTING THE WEIGHTS BACK
Who are you? You are the worst. In what world do you think it's okay to leave 8 45 pound plates on a leg extension ? Moronic, inconsiderate, prick. We all saw you maxing out 2" leg presses with 20 plates, we don't need the reminder after you're done. Put them away. 11/106. NAKED OLD MEN BEING WAY TOO COMFORTABLE BEING NAKED OLD MEN
Yeah. It's pretty weird. I mean, I respect the security and comfort. Maybe it's generational. But, it's definitely weird. You can whip it out a few seconds while changing, but do us all a favor, face your locker, and respect the 5 second rule. Also, wait to get caught up in conversation until after putting on your old school whitey tighties. We all know how bad men are at multitasking, so please, don't try to do anything else but get dressed while getting dressed. Also, don't lurk the sauna waiting until the second a normal looking dude (my friend) walks in there to come in all Harry Johnson-like and be way too open about it. This has to be a law. A guy isn't allowed to blatantly show his junk to a girl, why should he be allowed to show it to me? I'll take a point and a half off just because I do respect the casual, secure nature of it all, but unfortunately, it's your dick we're talking about. 8.5/10
7. SNAPBACKS, SELFIES, AND JORDANS FOR THE WIN
I am one of the least fashionable people I know. I wear black band shirts, black gym shirts, jeans, cargo shorts, and black gym shorts. And everything goes well with Chucks. I have zero room to talk. I'm going to piggyback off this one for a second and add in another one as well. To me, one of the biggest annoyances at a gym is anyone dressing or acting a certain way for some sort of attention. I hate glamour at a gym. If you prefer to wear a hat, wear it. If you prefer to wear jeans, wear them. If you prefer to wear a spaghetti strap tank top, go ahead. However, there is nothing more annoying than someone trying so hard just to get your attention. You usually know who these people are, because they get seriously upset when they find out that, believe it or not, people think it's silly that they wear flat brimmed hats, dress coordinated with their workout partners, take a large abundance of selfies and wear T shirts that are adolescent machismo bro drivel. In contrast, there are two guys that go to a gym I work at. One wears flannel, jeans, and work boots or flip flops. The other wears Family Guy pajama pants and baggy cut off shirts. They are two of my favorite people at the gym. They seriously have absolutely no concern with what anyone else thinks. They do what they want and happen to enjoy attire that doesn't fit gym norms. So what? So, while assigning points, I'm going to say, if you're doing it because that's what you want, it's a 1/10. Good for you. This is a gym do, not a gym don't. If you are doing it because you want everyone else to see how cool you are, no one likes it, you look dumb, and it actually does the opposite of what you think. We aren't hating out of jealousy, it just so happens that we really and truly do think it looks dumb. If you're cool with everyone thinking you look dumb, then you are perfectly fine, but if that affects you, wear some plain athletic clothes and stop thinking we want you to be like that. Let me reiterate, since I do work at gyms, I have plenty of friends, even good friends, who I think dress silly. Some of them even try too hard and do it for the wrong reason. Even I look like an idiot at the gym at times. Just go ahead and do yourself a favor, dress and act how you truly want, not to impress the rest of us. For those doing it for the audience, 10/108. GIVING STRANGERS ADVICE LIKE THE GOOD SAMARATIN YOU ARE
Be respectful. Don't go up to someone crassly and tell them how terrible what they're doing is. Introduce yourself, explain why you might be able to help them, and see if they want the advice. If you really are educated and they really are clueless, you are doing a good deed. But if you want to impose your whole "don't arch your back, it's dangerous!" or "I heard squatting deep is going to kill your knees" nonsense, keep it to yourself. Since this doesn't really happen to me, I guess it doesn't resonate quite as strongly, so I'll go with an 8/10. However, I could see this one being the absolute worst 10/10 depending on the scenario, idiocy, and frequency.
9. WEARING NEXT TO NOTHING (BUT HATING THE ATTENTION)
I know, women aren't just sexual objects. I think men are typically pigs. And, I don't think it's okay for a guy to blame you for staring at your ass. However, what are you thinking? Do you know what men are like? If a ripped guy wears a tank top, people are going to stare at his muscles. If you wear shorts that show the crest of your butt, men are going to look. I'm not saying it's right, but it's 100% a fact. However, I have to give this a 1/10, because really, just keep wearing the yoga pants. Please. Thank You.10. I HAVE STRONG LEGS, I LEG PRESS 1,000 POUNDS
I really don't care if you don't squat. But seriously, please, stop telling us how strong your legs are because you leg pressed the weight of your car. Clearly, if YOU can do it, chances are it isn't that impressive and only the people not in the know give a damn. You can't squat a good set with your body weight. Don't think you have a strong lower body. Let me guess, you max out the standing calf raise and peck deck, too? Cool, you and every other "bad ass" does the same thing their first time in the gym. And while we're at it, I don't care that you only work your upper body, but stop telling me you don't need to work your legs at the gym because they're strong from being on your feet and going up ladders at your job. Really? You know, being that this is a gym, we are blessed with the appropriate tools to test how strong your legs actually are (given that this isn't a Planet Fitness,) and no, we are not going to start on the leg press. 8/10HONORABLE MENTIONS:
11. NOT WIPING YOUR MUDDY SHOES OFF AT THE DOOR - Do you have zero sense? 10/10
12. TOE SHOES - 3/10, but please don't think they look cool. They are the clogs of athletic shoes.
13. GUM IN THE TOILET - At any age, this is dumb, but if you're an adult, I hate you. 10/10
14. DROPPING DUMBBELLS - It's annoying. Certain dumbbells can break this way. It's bad for the floor. 9/10
15. MAXING OUT EVERY DAY - It's stupid. We all think it's stupid. Even you think it's stupid when it's someone else. You're going to get hurt and it's really not that effective. 7.5/10
Just to wrap things up, here's the good news for those of you upset to be reading some of these like looking in a mirror, now you know! All of the non annoying gym people got together, had a meeting, and ruled that this is what is annoying at a gym. It's just the way it is. Don't sweat it, we've all been that person. Remember, smart people do dumb things. The only ones I actually think are rules are ones that actually definitely affect others like leaving plates loaded, muddy shoes, trying to be a stranger's personal trainer, gloating about PR's etc. As for the other things, if you do them, own them. Own your hat, own your quarter squat, own your smith machine, because really, while we may think it's dumb, we aren't the ones getting hurt by it, and I'm just a guy in all black, messy hair, unkempt facial hair, wearing Chucks.
